Sweatin’ With the Oldie

Anybody who knows me well knows that I hate exercise. No, let me rephrase that – I abhor exercise. This has been the case for as long as I can remember. In fact, I specifically remember wanting to have a nervous breakdown in junior high every time my PE teacher would announce it was “20-minute run day.” Call me lazy if you want to – you’re probably mostly right. Lately, however, my excuse has just been that I am so tired all the time from work, and exercise is the absolute last thing on my mind. So there.

Anyway, as a result of all this (ahem) exhaustion, I am pretty out of shape. So, I should have known better when a few of my girlfriends suggested we do something that was quintessentially LA; something which, upon initial assessment, seemed like it might be kinda fun. What is this intriguing activity, you may ask? Well, last Saturday, we……..

…..worked out with Richard Simmons.

 

That’s right – brillo-head, glitter-shirt, wahaaaay-too-short shorts, Mr. “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” himself – Richard Simmons.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Richard Simmons still owns and operates a workout studio in Beverly Hills, and holds his “Slimmons” workout class there three times a week (how I have lived in LA for five years and managed to miss this little gem of knowledge is beyond me). Considering the fact that this guy is in his sixties, that is actually pretty impressive.

 

Now, when I say that I thought this class would be fun, this was based on my TV exposure to Richard Simmons. The man, hyperactive as he might be, seemed like a hoot, and I thought that taking a class from him might, if anything, be entertaining. Plus, it was just an aerobics class – how hard could it be? Right? Right?

Weeeeeell, I forgot to take two very important factoids into consideration.

1. As previously mentioned, I am extremely out of shape (though I didn’t realize just how out of shape that actually was).
2. I am hopelessly and utterly uncoordinated. I really mean it. Ask anyone who knows me. When I try to dance, I look like a retarded string bean having a seizure. Think Elaine from “Seinfeld” here, folks. Plus, I don’t pick up steps very quickly – which, in an aerobics workout, change every 2.5 seconds.

Well, Richard must have picked up on the above factoids, because he kept picking on me!!! Seriously, it was so annoying and embarrassing. Big bully!!

Did I enjoy this class? Uh, no. Did I leave this class with better self-esteem than when I went in? Negatory. Am I a bigger fan of Richard and his “Slimmons” workout? That’s laughable. Did I appreciate the $50 parking ticket I got from the City of Beverly Hills during his class? Grrrrrrrr.

But here’s the thing. This whole experience has made me realize that I really do want to get in shape – I mean, I’m young, and I really should be more fit and healthy. So, as of today, I am going to start to make some exercise goals for my life – and I plan to stick to them! Really. Then, perhaps someday, I can return to “Slimmons” and hold my head high in fitness triumph.

And I guess I can thank Richard for that. Femmy bastard.